I think I’d rather be outside the tent pissing in…
This just makes me laugh. I think that means a good portion of my friends are banned, some of them several times. In fact, I can think of at least one of my friends who is banned four times by that sign.
Because of the somewhat scattershot way my brain works, this makes me think of my long-time favourite passage in the Bible: Revelations 22:14-15 (You know it was going to be Revelations, right? That’s the bestest, most awesomest part of the Bible. At least it’s the part that’s most fun to read aloud in your best mock-Southern Born Again accent.)
It goes like this:
14: Blessed are they that do his commandments, that they may have right to the tree of life, and may enter in through the gates into the city.
15: For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.
So, basically, if you do what you are told, then you get the prize and get to come in with the A crowd. The rest of y’all? Go fuck yourselves. If you don’t do what you’re told, you’re stuck on the Group W bench with the whoremongers and lie-lovers.
Tongue-in-cheek aside: Are all novelists automatically included in those who “maketh a lie”? I mean, what is fiction except telling stories about things that never actually happened? Sure, there’s that idea of “dramatic truth” or “a deeper truth” but I wonder if whoever’s guarding the door to keep out dogs and sorcerers will be all that philosophical about things? Of course, there is some precedent for fiction-with-a-message, but too much message made too obvious does tend to suck all the fun out of a story. Does all this make serious readers of fiction those who “loveth a lie”?
Anyway, I’m pretty sure that given the choice I’d rather spend the rest of my life with the second group, even if it would be a shorter and scarier life. I just can’t stand people who are good at following orders without questioning them. (This also reminds me of the Tom Wilson quote1 about which of the two institutions in Kingston has more interesting people in it.)
Incidentally, I am certain that at some point I am going write a novel (just for me, not for publication–I don’t have the self-discipline to actually learn the craft of writing) and it will be titled “Dogs and Sorcerers”. Just as soon as I finish “No Small Wonder”–that’s been on page 16 for about a decade now, so don’t hold your breath.
Oh, and while I’m (apparently) just rambling, I love the next bit of that chapter of Revelations as well, wherein God lays out his no-modifications open license for the text of the Bible:
18: For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book:
19: And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book.
Boy, you’d have either be an atheist, or else insanely self-confident, to attempt a translation of the text, eh? If you accidentally add something, then you get a whole pile of plagues. If you accidentally lose something in the translation then you’re trapped out with me and the dogs and sorcerers…
- It was in the liner notes for Birthday Boy, where Tom writes this about the song Drink: “I once took a bus all the way from Toronto to Kingston, Ontario to punch a guy in the mouth. It was worth the 3 hour ride just to see him hit the floor. I started writing this song in Kingston 9 years ago. I finished it in 10 minutes in the studio after somebody mentioned the town while we were recording. I lived in Kingston for a very short while. It made me aggressive. It’s a strange town dressed up with snotty stores that have pot pourri and dried flowers in their windows. Kingston has 2 institutions; prison and university. I’ve only known a few guys who have ended up behind bars in Kingston, and I must say I liked them better than most people I’ve ever met who opened a book at any university.”(back)
Kira
b3n
Sharon
August 27th, 2007 at 3:28 pm
Excellent novel title! Write it!
And craft is over-rated. Understanding point of view is nice, but that really just boils down to focus on one character in each scene. All you really have to have is a beginning, a middle, and an end, and you don’t need those in the first draft. Now get writing!
Also, you have read Bloch’s “The Hell-Bound Train,” yes?
August 27th, 2007 at 3:55 pm
I have a vague recollection of the story–that’s the one about the guy who gets to stop time in his perfect moment, but he never finds it in his life, and then ends up stopping it on his “gallows ride” as ’twere? Or something like that?
What’s the connection? That the perfect moment might be partying with a bunch of convicts?
August 27th, 2007 at 4:20 pm
Ah, you’re misremembering it. It’s short. Find it!
(I confess, I’m a bit afraid to reread it, because I don’t know what I’ll think of Bloch’s style now. But purely on the story level, it’s great.)
August 27th, 2007 at 8:59 pm
I found a copy online.
I assume you’re referring to this bit:
I like it.
Of course, I also like this, which touches one of my personal philosophies:
August 27th, 2007 at 9:07 pm
Thanks for snipping those bits! I didn’t remember that the second was there (though it was clearly implied). Now I wonder if that’s where I first encountered my philosophy.
Hmm. And it occurs to me now that one of the oldest names for Jesus’s teaching, the way, could also be translated as the road. I think most of my favorite people are part of the Church of the Road.
August 27th, 2007 at 9:11 pm
Also, if I neglected to say so earlier, nice story! Now start that novel!
August 29th, 2007 at 11:07 pm
Tangentially, but still in the spirit of making fun of the Bible, here are some funnies by Chris’ hero Mr. Russell from his autobiography:
What a queer work the Bible is. Abraham (who is a pattern of all the virtues) twice over, when he is going abroad, says to his wife: ‘Sarah my dear, you are a very good-looking person, and the King is very likely to fall in love with you. If he thinks I am your husband, he will put me to death, so as to be able to marry you; so you shall travel as my sister, which you are, by the way.’ On each occasion the King does fall in love with her, takes her into his harem, and gets diseased in consequence, so he returns her to Abraham. Meanwhile Abraham has a child by a maidservant, whom Sarah dismisses into the wilderness with the new-born infant, without Abraham objecting. Rum tale.
And God has talks with Abraham at intervals, giving shrewd worldly advice. Then later when Moses begs to see God, God allows him to see his ‘hind parts’. There is a terrible fuss, thunder and whirlwind and all the paraphernalia, and then all God has to say is that he wants the Jews to eat unleavened bread at the Passover - he says this over and over again, like an old gentlemen in his dotage. Queer book.
Some of the texts are very funny. Deut. XXIV, 5: ‘When a man hath taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any business: but he shall be free at home one year, and shall cheer up his wife which he hath taken.’ I should never have guessed ‘cheer up’ was a Biblical expression. Here is another really inspiring text: ‘Cursed be he that lieth with his mother-in-law. And all the people shall say, Amen.’ St. Paul on marriage: ‘I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.’ This has remained the doctrine of the Church to this day. It is clear that the Divine purpose in the text ‘it is better to marry than to burn’ is to make us all feel how very dreadful the torments of Hell must be.
August 29th, 2007 at 11:20 pm
Boy, I sure do love Bertie. That’s some acerbic stuff.
October 9th, 2007 at 12:45 am
[...] just know I’m going to find a way to mix this thing into my “Dogs and Sorcerers” story, [...]