I just found this on my hard drive–I think it might have run in Harpers ages ago–and thought it was worth putting up here:
A HO-HO-HO HOW-TO
From the “Santa Manual” distributed by Western Temporary Services to employees in its “Santa Division” The Walnut Creek, California, firm provides as many as 3,000 Santas to department stores and shopping malls each year.
SANTA DOs
- Santa should be gentle; many children are nervous and easily frightened.
- Santa should watch parents for signals. Santa should never promise anything.
- Santa should always speak of himself as “Santa” or “Santa Claus”; Santa should never say “I.”
- Santa should use the “Santa lift” to pick up children (Santa extends leg; the child stands between Santa’s knees and sits on the extended leg; Santa pulls leg back to sitting position). This avoids quick movements and saves Santa’s back
- Santa should use the term “folks” when referring to family, because of all the non-traditional families that exist.
SANTA DON’Ts
- Santa should omit the loud, booming “Ho ho ho’s,” because they often frighten small children.
- Santa should avoid short, jerky, nervous movements.
- Santa should never show his mood. Santa must forget things that upset him, because children will pick up on his mood.
- Santa should never be out of character when he is in costume.
- Santa should avoid references to the religious aspects of Christmas. Religion is a personal matter; don’t run the risk of offending parents or confusing children. Stick to the universal aspects of Christmas.
STICKY SITUATIONS
Sometimes children will ask Santa difficult questions. Santa needs to be prepared to answer them in ways that won’t put the child’s folks in a difficult situation or cause any damage to Santa’s image. The following are some of the questions that Santa might be asked, followed by acceptable answers.
Question: Santa, I just saw you at another store.
Answer: That was one of my Helpers. You know, Santa needs Helpers.Question: Why didn’t you bring me what I asked you for last year?
Answer: I was at the North Pole last year, and it must have been one of my Helpers who saw you. I’ll try to get the matter straightened out this year.Question: Santa, can you bring me a baby brother?
Answer: Okay, my fine young lady, you want a baby brother. Well. that’s clear our of my department. I bring gifts. You’ll have to talk to your folks about a baby brother.Question: I want a horse for Christmas.
Answer: You like horses, don’t you? Is there anything else you would like for Christmas?SANTA HYGIENE
It is absolutely necessary that Santa be neat and clean in appearance. For this reason. we ask you, as responsible adults, to bathe every day, to use a good deodorant, and to use mouthwash. Smoking is not permitted, as children will smell smoke on your breath. Also, the beard is flammable.
