January 1997: Life With Dave

As I promised Alex earlier, I have dug up the “Dave photos” of legend, and am posting them here with the accompanying story. The quality of the photos is not great–they were taken on a disposable camera and scanned on a crap scanner, but they’re enough to show the funny. So here’s a little bit of geek comedy from the later 90s…

So, there are some things you need to understand. In the late 90s, after finishing my undergrad, I had started working full-time for the company I had done my last couple of co-op work terms for. (And there is a very real sense in which those co-op terms have been responsible for every job I’ve had in the last 10 years). I was working in the Waterloo office, but for a boss in the Boston office.

Anyway, the company had a kickoff party in Boston every year. What follows are some photos and comments from the kickoff in 1997…

That year, there was a crazy New Orleans themed party on the first night, where employees were greeted at the door by life-size cardboard cutouts of David Litwack, the company president, and Mitchell Kurtzman, the CEO. They flanked the doors, and welcomed everyone to the party.

It seems Mr. Litwack-the-cutout got a little rambunctious and went partying with the crew from the Waterloo office. Surely it was of his own volition, since executive cutout theft would have been both bad and wrong.

Of course, Dave takes care of his boys. The very first night of the party Dave went out and got some beer and some bread, demonstrating his role as the provider. We had arrived at the store, just as the door was being locked, and the proprietor refused to open up and sell us provender at the last moment… until he saw Dave. We explained that “Dave needs beer!” and this made the shop-owner laugh enough that he opened up to let us gain access to much-needed supplies.

In the photo, note the stylish backwards cap, New Orleans love beads, and the ever-present can of Bud Ice that never seems to leave Dave’s hand.

With these kinds of talents, it was no time until Dave had a virtual Rogues Gallery of followers. You can see Mike “Roach” Desroches, David “Big Dave” Litwack, David “Skipper” Shiposh, and Sean “MacPansy” Miller (Sean later ditched this nickname and managed to get us all to call him “Freakboy”). Apparently Dave is a friendly sort, as it seems he will make time to chat with any unshaven lout.

Later that night Dave lead the Waterloo employees onto a bus to take them to that fine Boston restaurant 5 North Square where he presided over dinner. Although he switched to more formal apparel for the night out, Dave is still constantly seen with a Bud Ice in his hand.

Still later that night, Dave lead the crew on a stroll through the streets of Boston. Here you can see Dan “The Blade” Van Leeuwen kissing up to the president, while David “Loop-y” Loop raises a Spock-brow in the foreground.

Well, a fine dinner was just the beginning of the night Dave had planned for his Canadian compadres. After dinner he took them to see the long-running, audience-interactive, murder mystery Shear Madness. Despite strong prohibitions against photography inside the theatre, a snapshot was smuggled out which shows Dave chatting with Waterloo site leader Doug “Ghengis” Hern. Actually, when the flash went off, several bouncers converged on us and began the process of throwing the entire office out–however, when it was explained that we just wanted a photo of Dave at the show, they quickly reversed their decision, although they did warn us against any further picture-taking. It’s nice to see bouncers with a sense of humour.

Dave was also spotted outside the play in the company of the usual gang of idiots. While the rest of the peons loaded back onto the bus, Dave arranged some alternate transport for himself.

After the play, a night of wild debuachery ensued. Dave displayed time and again that being rich, happy, and quiet draws the women like honey. Still later, Dave led the crew to hip downtown nightspot Dad’s Beantown Diner where he partied down.

The next morning Dave, always suave and composed regardless of how hard he had partied the night before, was spotted chatting with Waterloo Team Leader Sal “Damn I Look Psycho In This Picture” Cucci, and his wife just moments before meeting the group in the hotel lounge. At that time Dave announced that he had had so much fun partying with the Waterloo crowd that he was coming with us back to Canada for a visit.

Of course Dave, being the sort of man he is, travelled in an entirely different class than the rest of us. The always jovial Steve “Original Six” Rice was present to welcome him on arrival. When he got to the waterloo site Dave took a whirlwind tour of the office, taking in cubicleland, heading to the warehouse to ship product, doing a phone shift with Technical Support, chatting with Dave “Tequila” Slater while he admires the geekosphere (as an aside Slater’s nerdhole has been on Geekculture.com for about 8 years now, although it is long destroyed, and Slater no longer works for the company either…), chatting with the office’s resident giant “Quiet” Bill Friar, admiring the external sign with “Undead George” MacJones and the internal sign with Kevin “Christwater” Kreutzwiser.

Of course the real Dave eventually left Sybase (and we know the real reason he left the company), but Cutout Dave had a longer presence in the Waterloo office. After a time he suffered an industrial accident, and he lost his entire body. His head still decorated the walls for quite some time after that–staring out with unblinking benevolence on his former troops. Eventually a drunken exorcism gone awry resulted in the firey destruction of the head itself, ending the reign of Dave.

Quotes From That Weekend In Boston

“Roach, when they break out of the handcuffs it means they don’t love you back.” –Me

“I think I might have kissed Dennis last night.” –Roach

“Dave knows.” –Everyone, all weekend long

“You’re a baloney!” –Roach, Me, Homer,…

Me: “I want to be talking to Fishburn and see him just turn into a giant tropical fish.”
Fishburn: “Cool.”

“I think I have nerve damage.” –Roach

“Why do they call them Milk Duds?” –Roach

“Drunks don’t call drunks.” –Roach

“Everything was OK until Frank came in with his latté machine.” –Roach, working on his second pre-shower beer

The Cop in Shear Madness: “What the hell is that!?!”
Me:”That’s Dave. He’s our Executive Vice President.”

“Who’s shouting for the Foggy Dew?” –Sean from Sunday’s Well

“Leave the nice people alone. You can look, but don’t touch.” –Roach

“I hang around like a bad virus.” –Roach

“For a minute there I had someone’s respect. It felt good. It felt kinda like gas.” –Roach

“No. The pig rules.” –Freakboy

“I wish I was a life-size cardboard cutout.” –Me

“I can nail that little bastard.” –Roach