{"id":850,"date":"2007-04-02T15:13:13","date_gmt":"2007-04-02T19:13:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.chrismclaren.com\/blog\/2007\/04\/02\/tournament-results\/"},"modified":"2009-08-05T08:55:12","modified_gmt":"2009-08-05T12:55:12","slug":"tournament-results","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.chrismclaren.com\/blog\/2007\/04\/02\/tournament-results\/","title":{"rendered":"Tournament Results"},"content":{"rendered":"

Well, Saturday’s tournament was pretty much an unqualified success–the house is still standing, with no capital expenditures required to put it into wife-ready order before Trish gets back, I think everyone had fun, and I<\/strong> certainly enjoyed myself. And, I got a lot of great stuff from the lads–giant cards, mathematically useful cards, poker signage, classy religious beer<\/a>, fine whisky<\/a>, etc.<\/p>\n

I have some pretty amusing player profiles (in their own words), and the tournament results after the jump.<\/p>\n

\"Table<\/p>\n

We ended up with 13 competitors, which necessitated a split into two tables during the early part of the tournament. If we had been playing for moneyWhich, of course, we were not, since that would be illegal<\/em><\/footnote> we would have had the largest tournament pot in the history of the HGPA. <\/p>\n

\"Table<\/p>\n

After the tournament there were cash gamesWhere “cash game” is, of course, slang for “not tournament style” and not any reference to playing for money–because that would be illegal<\/em><\/footnote> until almost 4AM. While I did not last long enough in the tournament to get into the moneyWhere “into the money” is, of course, slang for “finishing in one of the top three places” and not any reference to playing for money–because, say it with me, that would be illegal<\/em><\/footnote> I did pretty well in the after games, and had we been playing for moneyWhich, we certainly would never do. Honest.<\/footnote> I certainly would have made enough in the after games to cover my hypothetical tournament expenditures.<\/p>\n

This event generated one full dishwasher worth of dishes, one large garbage bag of garbage, and two large blue bags full of empties (plus two bottles of Green Ginger Wine–The Whiskey Mick is a powerful thing.)
\n
\nAnd now, please allow me to present the tournament participants, in the order of their performance, and in their own words:<\/p>\n

\n\"TheyNumber 13<\/strong>
\nProper Name:<\/strong> Carsten Knox
\nWhat do you wish your poker nickname was?<\/strong> Flash! The Hawk! No, not really.
\nWhat do people actually call you?<\/strong> Stacks. (Except for Drake, who has his own cute handle for me.)
\nDo you expect to finish in the money?<\/strong> Of course. And while I’m dreaming, I’d also like a pony.
\nGive a short description of your tournament strategy:<\/strong> Power and intimidation.
\nWhich player are you most concerned about? Optionally discuss why:<\/strong> Chris. For obvious reasons.
\nWhich player are you least concerned about? Optionally discuss why:<\/strong> Cracker. Because he isn’t drinking.
\nWhat\u2019s your favourite starting hand in Hold \u2018Em?<\/strong> Pair of deuces. Explains a lot, don’t it?
\nIf this is not your first HGPA tournament, are you a better player now than you were at your first HGPA tournament?<\/strong> Probably not.
\nYour quote for the night:<\/strong> “I hope I don’t have to dig into Chris’ library too soon.”
\nDo you have any socially redeeming qualities? If so, what are they?<\/strong> I bathe regularly.<\/p>\n
\n\"WhatNumber 12<\/strong>
\nProper Name:<\/strong> Jeremy Campbell
\nWhat do you wish your poker nickname was?<\/strong> Slick Willy
\nWhat do people actually call you?<\/strong> Spaz
\nDo you expect to finish in the money?<\/strong> That’s why I’m here.
\nGive a short description of your tournament strategy:<\/strong> Dance like a butterfly, sting like a me!
\nWhich player are you most concerned about? Optionally discuss why:<\/strong> Smiley… ’cause he thinks he’s cool.
\nWhich player are you least concerned about? Optionally discuss why:<\/strong> You! Whoever you are.
\nWhat\u2019s your favourite starting hand in Hold \u2018Em?<\/strong> Pair of deuces.
\nIf this is not your first HGPA tournament, are you a better player now than you were at your first HGPA tournament?<\/strong> I get better the more I play… that or you get worse.
\nYour quote for the night:<\/strong> Shut up, Smiley.
\nDo you have any socially redeeming qualities? If so, what are they?<\/strong> Loud, obnoxious, handy. Better looker than you.<\/p>\n
\n\"DarthNumber 11<\/strong>
\nProper Name:<\/strong> Miller
\nWhat do you wish your poker nickname was?<\/strong> Miller
\nWhat do people actually call you?<\/strong> Miller
\nDo you expect to finish in the money?<\/strong> No
\nGive a short description of your tournament strategy:<\/strong> Beat Burch.
\nWhich player are you most concerned about? Optionally discuss why:<\/strong> Smiley
\nWhich player are you least concerned about? Optionally discuss why:<\/strong> Burch
\nWhat\u2019s your favourite starting hand in Hold \u2018Em?<\/strong> Any. I’ll play anything.
\nIf this is not your first HGPA tournament, are you a better player now than you were at your first HGPA tournament?<\/strong> No
\nYour quote for the night:<\/strong> Fuck Burch.
\nDo you have any socially redeeming qualities? If so, what are they?<\/strong> I smoke.<\/p>\n
\n\"S-Bone\"Number 10<\/strong>
\nProper Name:<\/strong> Sean Smith
\nWhat do you wish your poker nickname was?<\/strong> Cracker S.
\nWhat do people actually call you?<\/strong> Queenie
\nDo you expect to finish in the money?<\/strong> No
\nGive a short description of your tournament strategy:<\/strong> Succeed.
\nWhich player are you most concerned about? Optionally discuss why:<\/strong> Either Chris or Bob.
\nWhich player are you least concerned about? Optionally discuss why:<\/strong> Cracker. Fuck that guy.
\nWhat\u2019s your favourite starting hand in Hold \u2018Em?<\/strong> Holding your mother. Gently.
\nIf this is not your first HGPA tournament, are you a better player now than you were at your first HGPA tournament?<\/strong> Yes
\nYour quote for the night:<\/strong> “”
\nDo you have any socially redeeming qualities? If so, what are they?<\/strong> Yes. Bends to peer pressure. Nice abs.<\/p>\n
\n\"KingNumber 9<\/strong>
\nProper Name:<\/strong> Calum Johnston
\nWhat do you wish your poker nickname was?<\/strong> The Chief (as in a mirror universe version of Get Smart’s Chief).
\nWhat do people actually call you?<\/strong> Cal
\nDo you expect to finish in the money?<\/strong> Absolutely not.
\nGive a short description of your tournament strategy:<\/strong> Complete and utter faith in an overall karmic balance.
\nWhich player are you most concerned about? Optionally discuss why:<\/strong> Drake
\nWhich player are you least concerned about? Optionally discuss why:<\/strong> Myself – I’m relatively at peace.
\nWhat\u2019s your favourite starting hand in Hold \u2018Em?<\/strong> A pair of face cards.
\nIf this is not your first HGPA tournament, are you a better player now than you were at your first HGPA tournament?<\/strong> Highly unlikely
\nYour quote for the night:<\/strong> Sorry, Bob.
\nDo you have any socially redeeming qualities? If so, what are they?<\/strong> Honestly attempts to make considerable and prolific donations to the world’s emotional bank account.<\/p>\n
\n\"YourNumber 8<\/strong>
\nProper Name:<\/strong> Chris McLaren
\nWhat do you wish your poker nickname was?<\/strong> The Reverend, or possibly Upper Canada Red
\nWhat do people actually call you?<\/strong> Chris (except Drake, who calls me “Big Poppa”)
\nDo you expect to finish in the money?<\/strong> Yes
\nGive a short description of your tournament strategy:<\/strong> Tight at the beginning, except head-to-head with Cal. Agressive after the buyins stop.
\nWhich player are you most concerned about? Optionally discuss why:<\/strong> Smiley. I’m still not sure how many hands I’m giving away to him.
\nWhich player are you least concerned about? Optionally discuss why:<\/strong> Neil. He’ll bluff too much at the wrong time.
\nWhat\u2019s your favourite starting hand in Hold \u2018Em?<\/strong> The Gay Waiter.
\nIf this is not your first HGPA tournament, are you a better player now than you were at your first HGPA tournament?<\/strong> I think my tournament play is better.
\nYour quote for the night:<\/strong> “Don’t touch that!”
\nDo you have any socially redeeming qualities? If so, what are they?<\/strong> I support the arts. And Cal’s family.<\/p>\n
\n\"It'sNumber 7<\/strong>
\nProper Name:<\/strong> Kathryn Ann Yeats
\nWhat do you wish your poker nickname was?<\/strong> Kathy Eights
\nWhat do people actually call you?<\/strong> To my face?
\nDo you expect to finish in the money?<\/strong> Always
\nGive a short description of your tournament strategy:<\/strong> Slow and steady
\nWhich player are you most concerned about? Optionally discuss why:<\/strong> Bob
\nWhich player are you least concerned about? Optionally discuss why:<\/strong> Mike–transparent
\nWhat\u2019s your favourite starting hand in Hold \u2018Em?<\/strong> KQ suited
\nIf this is not your first HGPA tournament, are you a better player now than you were at your first HGPA tournament?<\/strong> Likely not.
\nYour quote for the night:<\/strong> “Ooops”
\nDo you have any socially redeeming qualities? If so, what are they?<\/strong> Aesthetic<\/p>\n
\n\"NeilNumber 6<\/strong>
\nProper Name:<\/strong> Neil A. MacFarlane, Esquire
\nWhat do you wish your poker nickname was?<\/strong> Precious Poncey; Attila The Bluff; Dr. Chips, DDS; Lothar of the Hill People
\nWhat do people actually call you?<\/strong> Nelly or ATM
\nDo you expect to finish in the money?<\/strong> No
\nGive a short description of your tournament strategy:<\/strong> Bet my good hands like a maniac and occasionally bluff like a fucker.
\nWhich player are you most concerned about? Optionally discuss why:<\/strong> Drake, because he’s a fuck, and my loathing for him makes him hard to read.
\nWhich player are you least concerned about? Optionally discuss why:<\/strong> Spaz, because Miller thinks he sucks and I trust Miller.
\nWhat\u2019s your favourite starting hand in Hold \u2018Em?<\/strong> 10-9 suited — no idea why.
\nIf this is not your first HGPA tournament, are you a better player now than you were at your first HGPA tournament?<\/strong> No and No. Next question.
\nYour quote for the night:<\/strong> Ironically, that is<\/em> what she said.
\nDo you have any socially redeeming qualities? If so, what are they?<\/strong> I can drink like the dickens and occasionally let fly with a well-timed witty rejoinder.<\/p>\n
\n\"GrizzlyNumber 5<\/strong>
\nProper Name:<\/strong> Sean F. Hamilton
\nWhat do you wish your poker nickname was?<\/strong> [unpronounceable symbol drawn here]
\nWhat do people actually call you?<\/strong> Speedbag
\nDo you expect to finish in the money?<\/strong> No
\nGive a short description of your tournament strategy:<\/strong> Get stoned and hope for the best.
\nWhich player are you most concerned about? Optionally discuss why:<\/strong> Drake. He has nowhere to go but up.
\nWhich player are you least concerned about? Optionally discuss why:<\/strong> Smiley. He’s a doctor! Why would he want to hurt me?
\nWhat\u2019s your favourite starting hand in Hold \u2018Em?<\/strong> Matching suit.
\nIf this is not your first HGPA tournament, are you a better player now than you were at your first HGPA tournament?<\/strong> No
\nYour quote for the night:<\/strong> Have you put your hands in my pockets?
\nDo you have any socially redeeming qualities? If so, what are they?<\/strong> I’ve never been to jail.<\/p>\n
\n\"ThoseNumber 4<\/strong>
\nProper Name:<\/strong> Robert Gibbs
\nWhat do you wish your poker nickname was?<\/strong> Guy who always wins.
\nWhat do people actually call you?<\/strong> Bob
\nDo you expect to finish in the money?<\/strong> Yes
\nGive a short description of your tournament strategy:<\/strong> Tight.
\nWhich player are you most concerned about? Optionally discuss why:<\/strong> Drake, he wins a lot.
\nWhich player are you least concerned about? Optionally discuss why:<\/strong> Smiles. I don’t think he bluffs much.
\nWhat\u2019s your favourite starting hand in Hold \u2018Em?<\/strong> Blic Slick
\nIf this is not your first HGPA tournament, are you a better player now than you were at your first HGPA tournament?<\/strong> ?
\nYour quote for the night:<\/strong> “”
\nDo you have any socially redeeming qualities? If so, what are they?<\/strong> None!<\/p>\n
\n\"TrustShow<\/strong>
\nProper Name:<\/strong> Adam Marsh
\nWhat do you wish your poker nickname was?<\/strong> God
\nWhat do people actually call you?<\/strong> Smiley
\nDo you expect to finish in the money?<\/strong> Of course… as long as Bob doesn’t cheat.
\nGive a short description of your tournament strategy:<\/strong> passive agressive.. deal off the bottom of the deck.
\nWhich player are you most concerned about? Optionally discuss why:<\/strong> Speedbag… he will get me too stoned
\nWhich player are you least concerned about? Optionally discuss why:<\/strong> Spaz
\nWhat\u2019s your favourite starting hand in Hold \u2018Em?<\/strong> 9-10 Suited.
\nIf this is not your first HGPA tournament, are you a better player now than you were at your first HGPA tournament?<\/strong> Perhaps
\nYour quote for the night:<\/strong> “Cheat to win”
\nDo you have any socially redeeming qualities? If so, what are they?<\/strong> My mom thinks I’m nice.<\/p>\n
\n\"NicePlace<\/strong>
\nProper Name:<\/strong> Mike Drake
\nWhat do you wish your poker nickname was?<\/strong> Wang-dang-doodle
\nWhat do people actually call you?<\/strong> Drake
\nDo you expect to finish in the money?<\/strong> Not really, but I’d sure like to.
\nGive a short description of your tournament strategy:<\/strong> Gradually gettinng drunker until the other players can’t figure out what I’m doing.
\nWhich player are you most concerned about? Optionally discuss why:<\/strong> Chris
\nWhich player are you least concerned about? Optionally discuss why:<\/strong> Neil, ’cause it’s Neil.
\nWhat\u2019s your favourite starting hand in Hold \u2018Em?<\/strong> Suited Big Slick. (Also German Virgins, just for the name.)
\nIf this is not your first HGPA tournament, are you a better player now than you were at your first HGPA tournament?<\/strong> I think so.
\nYour quote for the night:<\/strong> Unsure at this point, but will likely be “that’s what she said” from Neil (with hilarious results).
\nDo you have any socially redeeming qualities? If so, what are they?<\/strong> “”<\/p>\n
\n\"ThisWin<\/strong>
\nProper Name:<\/strong> Andrew Burch
\nWhat do you wish your poker nickname was?<\/strong> Andrew
\nWhat do people actually call you?<\/strong> Burch
\nDo you expect to finish in the money?<\/strong> No
\nGive a short description of your tournament strategy:<\/strong> Win a hand, then maybe another.
\nWhich player are you most concerned about? Optionally discuss why:<\/strong> Myself
\nWhich player are you least concerned about? Optionally discuss why:<\/strong> Sean
\nWhat\u2019s your favourite starting hand in Hold \u2018Em?<\/strong> Two cards.
\nIf this is not your first HGPA tournament, are you a better player now than you were at your first HGPA tournament?<\/strong> Certainly not.
\nYour quote for the night:<\/strong> Sittin’ at the kiddie table.
\nDo you have any socially redeeming qualities? If so, what are they?<\/strong> I don’t know what this means.<\/p>\n
\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Well, Saturday’s tournament was pretty much an unqualified success–the house is still standing, with no capital expenditures required to put it into wife-ready order before Trish gets back, I think everyone had fun, and I certainly enjoyed myself. And, I got a lot of great stuff from the lads–giant cards, mathematically useful cards, poker signage, classy religious beer, fine whisky,… Read more →<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":13,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[14],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-850","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-hgpa","xfolkentry"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p5UQvw-dI","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.chrismclaren.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/850","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.chrismclaren.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.chrismclaren.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.chrismclaren.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/13"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.chrismclaren.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=850"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/www.chrismclaren.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/850\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2926,"href":"http:\/\/www.chrismclaren.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/850\/revisions\/2926"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.chrismclaren.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=850"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.chrismclaren.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=850"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.chrismclaren.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=850"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}